Sentimentality

I woke up today feeling worse than yesterday. Sore throat worse and the beginnings of sniffles and congestion. Great. I can tell I won't get much studying done today because the simple thought of it makes me feel worse. However, I said I was going to push myself and I will. I promise I will crack a book for at least an hour today. It's the least I can do while lying in bed. It would be nice to have a soothing cup of Throat Coat tea too, but I wasn't smart enough to act on the memory of how much you crave the things you can't get here.

Unable to sleep late, as usual, this time because breathing hurts my throat when I sleep, I stayed awake (but in bed) and cleared out the clutter on my laptop. Not only on my laptop, but in my life. I have a tendency to keep emails, MSN conversations, poems, or anything relating to either really good or really bad times in my life. Every once in a while I enjoy reading back over them, don't ask me why. I guess I get a fresh perspective on the situation, or I want to make sure I handled myself well (hindsight is 20/20), or sometimes they've even become funny. Either way, there were several negative ones I was hanging on to that I just didn't need to keep around. So I deleted several of them, and with that felt a sense of freedom from the past.

It's amazing, the things you run across that you have forgotten about. I discovered old poems written over heartbreak, hilarious stories from college, and an extensive list of the small things in life that make me happy (which I'm tempted to post here some day). Some of those things, such as the poems, I keep simply because I'm proud of my writing skills, poignantly precise from the depths of my sorrow. Others I keep because I'm just a very sentimental person, and whether happy or sad, some of those things are just too hard to throw away yet.

Which made me think. Why do we (I'm sure I'm not the only one) hang on to things that remind us of the sad times, the angry times, the bitter times; the old relationships or the broken friendships? Is it because behind those bad times there were also happy times that we want to remember? I think that's my reason for it. Especially in the case of ended relationships...amid all the bad in the end, there was at one point in time something good. But still, why do we hang on to the past if we've truly moved on from it? Have we moved on or are we still hurt/bitter/sad over it?

If you go to my house, you will find two rather large boxes FULL of memories of one kind or the other. Notes from highschool friends, sweet letters from old boyfriends, even candy wrappers from my hugest crush when I was 15. Lame, I know. I'm amazed at the things I've chosen to keep throughout the years...most of them relating to the guys throughout my life. And at the same time I feel kind of guilty. I keep memories of old boyfriends, yet I am happily planning a future with the guy I plan to marry. Is that wrong of me? Does that somehow say that I'm not letting go of my past? That I'm not fully over someone? That I want to keep their memory alive whilst on the arm of my future husband? Will Shane see it that way? I think that deep down I've questioned this; somehow felt guilty but at the same time justified.

And I've come to the personal conclusion that no, it's not necessarily wrong. However, it does have conditions. Only you can decide how you feel about the past and the people that were in your past--it's up to you to decide whether or not those memories are harmful to your present. For most people I think that by keeping memories like that you are simply fondly remembering who you were and who has been a part of your life. Why else do we keep diaries? Every once in a while we enjoy going back to read about how our life used to be back in the day. For me, it reminds me how simple things were, how carefree and trivial my "huge" problems really were at that age. Maybe it's a way to escape the stresses of this current life and remember a time that wasn't so complicated...young, carefree, "in love"...I think it's normal to feel bittersweet about those days. Men may disagree, but for a woman anyways, I don't think that's so abnormal. And I don't think it means we are unhappy with our current life if we feel bittersweet about the past. They were, at one point in time, the things we laughed or cried at, the things that shaped our days. Memory is a powerful thing--it can bring back emotions we never knew still existed. That's why it's up to each individual to choose to keep or discard things depending on it's affect in your present life. And do things now to make the present something you would want to look back on with fond, bittersweet memories too.

When I go back through those boxes, there will be tons of things I will throw away. (Those candy wrappers for instance.) But there will be several things I will keep, to remember the things, times, and people that shaped my life and my future.....which, I think, will be a very good one. :)

Provided, this is written by a girl who is a lot younger than most, so my "past" is referring to the high school/college years. This was my way of sorting out my thoughts by way of rambling them into a blog, but I would love to hear your opinions on the subject.